Jerry! Jerry!
by RaB
Summary: Just a silly fic I wrote with my friend, Osiris: Possible scenarios for the characters of "Buffy" *Rated PG for some crude humor* ~Please let me know what you think!~


Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, yadda yadda...  
  
A/n: I must take a moment to thank Osiris for his assistance in this piece and I really appreciate him letting me use some of his idea! For He is a great and wonderful god!  
  
Dedication: For Kill, Trust, Tara, and Tanga... you know who you are! ; )  
  
Summary: Possible scenarios and clips of possible scenarios for the members of the Scooby gang and other Buffy regulars  
  
JERRY! JERRY!  
  
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BUFFY: But Jerry, I only slept with an evil soulless thing because my lesbian best friend dragged me out of heaven kicking and screaming!  
  
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XANDER: Anya! How could you do this to me? How could you sleep with that... that... that... thing? (cries) ANYA: Oh Xander, grow up!  
  
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WILLOW: I have a confession to make... I slaughtered and innocent blessed dear to perform the dark majicks to bring you back to earth. BUFFY: You killed a deer AND dragged me out of heaven??? That's it Will, I'm cutting you off! GILES: Oh bloody hell! BUFFY: How heartless are you? I mean, haven't you ever watched "Bambi"? Even Spike couldn't kill a baby deer! SPIKE: Hey!!! BUFFY: Shut up! ANYA: So Jerry, getting back to what I was saying about bunnies...  
  
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JERRY: So Angelus, you say you're the sire and Drusilla, you say that you're the sire. DRUSILLA: He's my knight! All mine! But daddy was naughty and stole him away from me. ANGELUS: You can't trust her! She a ~beep~ nutjob! JERRY: So Spike, what do you say about all this. SPIKE: Hey man, they wanna fight over me, I'm not getting invovled. Maybe the writers just need to check their continuity. Maybe while they're at it, they can see what's up with my age. AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry!  
  
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DARLA: Angel, I have a confession to make... I have syphilis. ANGEL: Darla! DARLA: Well, I was a whore and that's how most of us died back then. Now that I'm back from the fiery depths of Hades, the painful itch has returned. I mean, 400 years as the best whore around and all I have to show for it are all these tiny warts and smelly discharge.  
  
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JERRY: So Spike, would you like to tell us why you're here? SPIKE: Well, I'm here because I love a woman who wants to drive a sharp wooden stake through my chest most of the time, and then I made a plastic copy of her to have filthy sex with.  
  
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JERRY: Today's show is "I have a burning secret I must tell my loved ones". So Darla, why are you here today? DARLA: I have a secret I need to tell my Dear Boy Angelus. JERRY: Well, let's bring him out then (Angel walks onto the stage, audience cheers) JERRY: Welcome Angelus, I believe there is something that Darla wants to tell you. DARLA: I've been lying about my occupation. ANGELUS: You mean you aren't a waitress? Wait... where'd you get that Southern accent? DARLA: Angel, I'm a whore. (Audience jeers) ANGELUS: How long? DARLA: 400 years, give or take.  
  
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JERRY: Today's show is "I tried to end the world". Here we have Willow. WILLOW: So Jerry, yeah I tried to raise a she-demon to burn the world to a cinder, but can you blame me? I was just pumped from violently skinning that guy in the woods. JERRY: Yes, but, do you think it was such a good idea? WILLOW: What? To go on a rampage and try to kill my friends and many, many police officers? Sure, I mean, my lover just DIED and all. I mean come on, I was grieving. Gimme a break at least I wasn't screwing the evil undead over here! SPIKE: Hey! WILLOW/XANDER: Shut up! DAWN: Whine whine whine!!! BUFFY: Jerry, you see what I have to put up with here? And they wonder why I'd rather be dead!  
  
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JERRY: Next up, we're going to talk to the Mayor of Sunnydale, Richard Wilkens the third... who also happens to be Richard Wilkens the first and Richard Wilkens the second. So Mayor Wilkens, you tried to end the world by becoming a large snake and devouring the populace. You want to tell us what that was all about? WILKENS: Uh, hi Jerry, and how are you today? Hey, um, before I start, I'd just like to point out there are some tiny blood stains in the carpet from a previous show. That is very unsanitary. Would you like a tidy wipe? JERRY: Uh... no. WILKENS: Well, alright. Anyway, after all the miniature golf and ritual sacrifices, I figured it was fitting to become a large snake and eat all the students of Sunnydale. They're high in fiber you know. Not to mention just full of scrumptious Doublemeat medleys.  
  
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END 


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